Losing Weight

Fighting He-man really works up an appetite.

Everyone wants to look amazing. No matter how much we may deny it, as human beings, we are all extremely shallow creatures who are drawn to shiny surfaces to check our reflection like a magpie drawn to a piece of tinsel. What’s worse is that the media consistently tells us just how fat we are, and how skinny we should aim to be, with models on the front page of magazines who have bodies that even Skeletor would be ashamed of.

Luckily, these days there are literally thousands of weight loss solutions available, and they range from truly helpful tips and tricks that can help to get you into shape, to the useless advice of “Hey, just eat less.” Of course, aside from these two options, there is one more category of weight loss out there, and that’s the down-right insane one.

1.)    Sewing A Patch Onto Your TongueSewing A Patch Onto Your Tongue

“This will definitely help me to resist the fries.”

Sometimes it seems like no amount of exercise or diet is working, so the only logical next step is to sew an abrasive mesh material onto the top of your tongue. Right? If that doesn’t sound delightful enough by itself, the patch is designed to make eating solid foods physically painful to you, so you can really only manage a liquid diet on a daily basis. The concept seems to be that if it actually hurts to eat, you might stop doing it so often. Although I can see the thought-process behind that, it doesn’t make the idea any less crazy.

Apparently originating in Venezuela, the procedure aims to help you re-learn your eating habits. Of course, for me, as soon as I had the horrible torture device removed I’d probably feel like I had to make up for lost time with all my favourite meals at once.

2.)    Weight-Loss Brain SurgeryWeight-Loss Brain Surgery

Maybe they’ll implant a mod that makes water taste like wine

If you were thinking that dietary solutions couldn’t get much more drastic than sewing a patch onto your tongue, think again. There is actually brain surgery out there that consists of a surgeon placing electrodes into your brain which help to banish away those pesky hunger pangs that otherwise count towards the many features that make humans…human. The process is pretty simple, a surgeon screws your head into a vice- while you’re still awake of course, then drills a couple of holes into your skull before placing electrodes into the place that controls metabolism. Once your brain is already to taser you for even thinking about taking another slice of cheese-cake, you get to spend a week in a chamber while doctors fiddle with your brain settings like the graphics on your latest pc game.

The result that they’re trying to achieve in the long run is that you’ll be able to feel as though you are satisfied after eating a lot less than you typically would. Basically, your brain gets an electronic slap whenever you start to feel greedy or consider finishing off an entire packet of digestives.

3.)    Keep Your Mouth ShutKeep Your Mouth Shut

“This is going to look great with my new cage sandals!”

Typically, the way that we approach eating is usually with our mouths. In the past, research has shown that when we take a longer time to eat our meals, we often eat less. This means that if you can’t manage to control yourself long enough to chew your food properly, the best solution some people have seemed to turn to is shrinking how much food you can physically put into your mouth. For a ‘temporary’ solution, there is a device out there like retainer that goes into your mouth and fills up the majority of the cavity, meaning that you can’t fit a great deal of food in there. You might also opt for a mechanism that limits the degree to which you can open your mouth, so that you have to take smaller bites. Of course, if you don’t have the willpower to actually use one of these devices every meal, you can select a more terrifying, and more permanent option in the form of actually having your jaw wired shut.

Basically, these are like braces that keep your mouth shut, up to the point of about half an inch, meaning that you probably won’t be able to get anything in there except for puree mush and really carefully sliced portions of pizza. When you have this done, the doctors do actually recommend that you take a pair of wire-cutters out with you wherever you go in case of panic-induced vomiting that could effectively suffocate you.

4.)    Constantly Monitor Everything That You EatMonitor Everything That You Eat

I would imagine they look like this. Thanks Scott Pilgrim

If wiring your teeth together doesn’t quite tickle your dieting fancy, then there’s always the option of having a pace-maker-like device installed into your stomach. The difference is, unlike an actual pacemaker, this machine doesn’t really do anything to help save your life, and instead it just keeps track of absolutely everything that you eat. Basically, there’s a sensor involved that figures out when you’ve started eating, before sending a ‘Stop it, now’ signal to your brain. If you decide to try and sneak in a snack outside of your food-allowance schedule then the device senses this and does something about it. Potentially sends out some police to pelt you with pringles and call you a lard-o.

Some of these devices even come with the handy ability to upload the information of what you’ve eaten onto social media sites, and to your doctors’ office, because nothing quite finishes off a good meal like the judgement of your friends.


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